SOUTH PARK: Safe First
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: There's a new student at South Park Elementary...
1. Chapter 1

The school bell rings, signaling the start of classes at South Park elementary. The kids chat as Mr. Garrison enters.

"All right, class, settle down. Before we begin out studios today on why 'Profit' was a great TV series and shouldn't have been cancelled, I have an announcement to make: I know it's a little late in the semester, but…" he sees Eric raising a hand, "Eric, if you say I'm on my period again, that'll be three weeks detention."

"Just stretching," Eric lowers the hand.

"Anyway, we have a new student whose parents have just moved to our town. Her name is Ima," he walks back to the classroom door.

"I call dibs on the new chick," says Eric.

"You can't call dibs on a human being," says Kyle.

"Whatever, you're just jealous because you didn't think of it first."

A white girl with medium-length black hair walks in and faces the kids.

"Go ahead and introduce yourself to the class, Ima," says Mr. Garrison.

"Morning. Given name is Ima LeCri. My biological birth folks relocated to this non-expansive mountain town of folks of all walks of life. This experience will hopefully be better than the one in my previous town of residence," she stops speaking.

After a few seconds Mr. Garrison speaks, "Oh. That's it? I guess that's it. You can sit where ever you like. Class, just push your chairs out some so Ima can slide her desk in. Take your time, Ima."

She looks slowly left to right seeing Eric waving a hand widely.

"Oh! Oh! Over here!" Eric calls out.

"Between him and the medically-challenged student in orange," Ima says.

Eric puts a hand over his mouth and snickers at Kenny, "You're challenged."

"Your funeral," Mr. Garrison pushes the desk between Eric and Kenny.

Ima sits down, "Hello," she says to Eric.

"Hi."

"Okay, class, settle down. 'Profit' was an extremely short-lived television series from 1996 starring the charming and handsome Adrian Pasdar, playing a character not too dissimilar in ways to Dexter. In it he played a disturbed employee of a large firm who was willing to do far more than step on a few toes to climb the corporate ladder…"

.

The school bell rings. The kids pile into the halls between classes. Ima quickly makes her way out of the classroom and once out starts walking and looking around. Eric hustles a bit and catches up to her.

"I didn't have a chance to introduce myself: I'm Eric Cartman."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm sorry if I seem short, but I'm trying to find my locker," Ima replies.

"What number?" Eric asks.

"277."

"That's the next hall over, come on."

They walk together.

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened at your last school?" asks Eric.

"All the people there were so judgmental, intolerant, and racist. I tried to do something about it, but they blamed me! I heard you have a Starbucks, so hopefully things will be better here."

"Oh, I know what you mean, "Eric says, laying a thick load of lies on her, "I'll be minding my own business and people will call me fat and racist. I can't help being big-boned."

"Oh, you poor judged person. I acknowledge your hurt," she hugs him.

"Sweet," he says under his breath.

Then they continue walking.

Stan and Kyle pass by the hall, then stop and turn down it quickly when they recognize Eric.

"There he is," says Stan in a pissed tone.

"That bastard. Hey! Fatass! Thanks a lot for putting that note on my back that says 'Kick Me: I'm Jewish'. Our new German Social Studies teacher fucking kicked me," says Kyle angrily.

"What?" Ima says shocked.

Kyle continues, "Yeah, on my back! Cartman, I realize you're so fat that you wouldn't feel being kicked and the impact would ripple around your Tootsie Rolls of fat like Jell-O, but-"

"Be quiet!" Ima snaps at Kyle, cutting him off mid speech.

"Huh?" Kyle says, confused.

"How dare you judge this person! You're aggressive and offensive insults hurt already marginalized people with body appearance issues. And what in the world makes you think he'd do such a thing to you?" Ima barks.

Stan jumps in, "Ah, because Eric Cartman may be the mo0st evil person in all of North America and a racist anti-Semitic."

"See?" Eric says to Ima.

"Your negativity is exclusionary and hurtfully aggressive. Check your assumptions," she walks away with Eric. Eric pretends to stretch and flips them off as he does so.

"Dude – what the fuck just happened here?" Stan says, confused.

.

Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Eric sit at their usual lunch table.

"Okay … what the _hell_ was that about earlier with the new girl?" Stan asks.

"Don't ask me – I assumed one of you would know," says Kyle.

"Okay, Cartman – I know you've only known her for two classes so far, but what kind of sick, twisted shit did you put in that unfortunate girl's head?" asks Stan.

"Ay! Isn't it possible a girl likes me?" Eric asks, annoyed.

"Well, I guess it just seems highly unlikely. I think there's a better chance of Wil Smith being famous again," says Stan.

"He's still alive?" Kyle asks.

"I'm pretty sure," Stan replies.

"For your information, Ima and I are getting along just fine."

"Hum. Maybe she was already fucked up before she moved here," Kyle postulates.

"Shhh! She's coming," Kenny warns.

They hush up as Ima walks over with a tray. She stops at their table.

"Hello, folks. Would it be permissible to join you all?"

"Ah, we're saving a space for our friend Butters, sorry," Stan answers.

"That's okay, Ima, we can eat together at the table behind us. If that's permissible," says Eric.

"Kiss ass," Kyle mouths to Eric.

"Your non aggressive offer is accepted," Ima replies to Eric.

Eric gets up and switches tables, sitting next to Ima.

"Did you guys do your math home work last night?" Stan asks.

"I finished mine last night," Kyle replies.

Butters comes walking over.

"Hey you guys, is that new girl still here?"

They motion for Butters to stop with their hands.

" _What?!_ " Ima bellows.

Butters turns to face her, "I was just asking if you-"

"Oh my Zod – you're such a judgmental racist misogynist!" Ima says.

Butters replies confused, "I'm massagin' it?"

"My gender does not identify me! How dare you refer to other folks as 'guys'. You don't know the sex of everybody here and even if you did that's inclusive language, used to diminish a person in a passive aggressive way based upon their sex of choice. You have made me very uncomfortable!" Ima then sits up and storms out of the cafeteria, leaving dead silence as everybody looks at Butters.

Eric breaks the silence, "Wow, Butters – at this rate you'll never get laid."

"Oh, hamburgers."

.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric sit in their last class after recess.

"Thank God that new girl isn't in this class," says Kyle.

"Yeah, poor Butters locked himself in the hall bathroom the rest of lunch time," says Stan.

"I don't know if I can tolerate this new chick if she's going to be like this every day. I can turn the other cheek, but I still have ears," says Kyle.

The classroom door bursts open and a short and fat man with a Hitler bottom-lip mustache enters and stops at his desk, clicking his tall boots together.

"Guten tag, das children and vehlcome back to mein History un class. In today's continuing lehsson, vee leahrn vhy Germany vas de best country on zeh face of zee Earth und vill rize again. It all started vith zah master race. Eric Cartman?" pointing at Eric, who has his hand up.

"Mr. Krautklinger, Kyle's bothering me again."

"Broflofskinzieg, I am varning yew, ef you do not stop, I vill be forced to uze my final solution."

"Sorry, Mr. Krautklinger," says Kyle.

Eric snickers, having made Kyle apologize for no reason.

.

The next morning. All the kids sit in class chatting, waiting for the school day to begin.

"Hum. That new chick hasn't' come in yet," says Stan.

Kyle replies, "Maybe she finally figured fatass out and transferred for her own sanity and good."

"Kyle, my baloney has a first name and it's Shut the Fuck Up," says Eric.

The intercom system whines on.

"Attention students, will everyone please file into the gym in a peaceful and polite fashion for an important school announcement, m'kay?" the comm. Crackles off.

Eric stands up in his desk chair.

" _Last one to the gym is an Anthony's wiener!_ "

"Oh, God, that's horrible," says Craig.

They all yell and scream and race to the classroom door.

The last of the kids file into the gym. Before them stands Principle Victoria, Mr. Mackey, officer Barbrady, and Ima.

"This doesn't look good. Remember when we used to come to school to actually learn things?" Kyle comments to Stan.

"All right, that should be everybody," Victoria says to Mackey. She steps up to the microphone,. "We have called you all in here this morning because it has come to my attention there is an inordinate number of aggressive and judgmental racists in our school. As opposed to the ordinate number of aggressive and judgmental racists in our school. After some consultation on the matter, South Park Elementary will be implementing two pilot systems to help curb your aggressive enthusiasm. One will be a language guide to help you better understand your offenses and the second is officer Barbrady here. He'll be our school's new Aggressions Officer, who will help enforce and maintain the newspeak. Officer?"

Barbrady steps up to the mic', "I am here strictly in a non-official capacity to aggressively enforce the new system against aggressive aggressions. Think of me more as that uncle who slapped the shit out of you when you mouthed off, only now with handcuffs. But not as that creepy uncle who would handcuff you and slap you around."

All the students in the bleachers stare at him blankly.

"That pretty much covers it. Thank you," Barbrady looks at the microphone, then Victoria, "Ah, do I drop it likes it's hot or what?"

"No, no, I'll take that, officer: it's the only microphone we can afford. So, here to help you better understand the new language guide is out newest student, Ima LeCri," Victoria hands the microphone to Ima.

Ima immediately speaks, "In order to help promote a more neutral and aggression-free safe environment, last night these were printed out for you all: the bias-Free Language Guide. Please take one when you leave the gym. So that we are all equal, gender, race, and religion identities are to be discouraged and neutrality promoted. There is no 'You guys', there is: folks, you all, y'all; 'guys' implies male dominance and inequality of the other sexes."

"There are other sexes?" Stan says quietly to his friends.

"Just male and female as far as I know," Kyle replies.

"What about a hermaphrodite?" Eric asks.

"That's just a combo," Kyle says to Eric."

"Yeah, like your mom," Stan says to Eric.

"Pft – really? Jokes about my mom as so fifteen years ago, Stan. Lame."

Kyle says to Stan, "Damn, he got you there."

Ima is still speaking, "… full range of contributions that we offer as individuals and members of groups. Making judgments is just another form of aggression. Check your assumptions: motives, intentions, y'all's expectations of conforming and group-think, power over others; how y'all speak to others, including: passive aggressiveness, exclusive language, unnecessary yelling, resentment, vocal negativity, and watch out for aggressive body language. And no touching. Remember to reframe from projecting opinions, and using the world 'I'."

"Why does she assume we're all guilty?" says Kyle.

"And just have fun. Remember: we can all create a better world one word at a time," Ima then hands Victoria back the microphone.

Eric says aloud, "Man, I sure hope 'balls' is one of those words that makes the world better. That'd be sweet."

They laugh.

"Thanks everybody and officer Barbrady is now on duty," says Victoria.

Everybody gets up to head back to their classes.

"I know there'd have to be something wrong with her if she liked you," Stan says to Eric.

"That assumption sounded awful aggressive to me, Stan."

"Sounds to me like you're assuming I'm assuming. Two can play that game," Stan retorts.

"Touché. I'm off to schmutz my girl. Later," Eric stands up and walks off.

Kyle talks to Stan as they reach the gym exit, "What does she see in him?"

"Two-hundred pounds of big bones?" Stan replies once out.

The laugh to each other, then do a quick high-five. After a few steps they stop, hearing something, and turn to look; there behind them is a fat little girl with a stunned look upon her face.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle and Stan sit in chairs across from principle Victoria's desk.

Mr. Mackey, standing next to Victoria, speaks, "Um'kay, you do know we just had a school meeting about institutionalizing anti butt-hurt not ten minutes ago, right?"

Kyle responds, "Mr. Mackey, we were just making a joke about Eric Cartman; how were we supposed to know someone would over hear us and take offense to it."

Victoria speaks, "Look, boys, newspeak isn't about just changing what you say when other people are around you, it's about subjugating willingly your freedom of speech even when nobody is listening."

"But all we did is make a joke about Cartman being fat. It's not like it's not true," says Stan.

Victoria chimes in, "Of course he is – he's fucking fat as one of those three-wheeled British automobiles. But with all the sleazy lawyers and the superintendant crawling up my ass about maintaining the school peace, they think – I mean _**I**_ think it's probably a good idea to start clamping down on speech around here. It was, after all, in the fourth grade that Eric Cartman asked Garrison if he'd like to suck his balls."

"So, now we have to police ourselves to acclimate to authoritarian rule?" says Kyle.

"If it's too much trouble. Why?" asks Victoria.

"Kyle then replies, "You do remember the Jews and the National Socialists, AKA: the NAZI's, right?"

"Yes, I studied World War I back in college."

Kyle blinks.

Stan jumps in, "Don't worry, principle Victoria, we'll try our best."

"Good, I'm glad this little confab helped you right your minds. Here are your tardy slips and you are dismissed."

"Thank you," Stan replies, begrudgingly.

They stand up and head out of the principal's office.

Stan immediately says, "Goddamnit! The internet Thought Police have stepped off the liberal holodeck into real life."

"Aside from ourselves and Kenny, who do we trust? Everybody is a snitch – Jesus Christ!" says Kyle.

They stop after hearing a noise and turn around to face a kid with a Christian cross around his neck.

"Oh, fuck," says Stan.

Kyle speaks, "Look, kid, we didn't mean to take our Heavenly father and his son's name in vain. Please, we just came from the principal's office and don't want to go back."

"Its okay – Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek and forgive," says the kid.

"Thanks, you really helped us dodge a bullet," says Kyle.

They turn around again upon hearing another noise. Officer Barbrady stands before them.

"Oh, shit," says Kyle.

"Wait – were you following us?" asks Stan.

"Your parents did chain me up naked in your basement. You kind of never get over that."

.

Stan and Kyle sit in Victoria's office again, this time with Barbrady behind them.

"Boys, I do have other things to do today other than reprimand you. The next time I'll be forced to give you both three days of detention."

"This Bias-Free Language Guide barely leaves us any room to speak. Are you telling us we'll get punished for talking to ourselves just because somebody that might overhear us might be offended?" asks Stan.

Kyle also adds, "The thing is over a hundred pages; between classes, homework, and other activities, there's no time to read it. Have you even read it?"

"Ahhh, well, no."

"Then how do you know what's in it?" asks Kyle.

"Well, Ima said we'd just have to pass it around first to find out what's in it."

Stan replies, "That's ridiculous, no sane person would chain themselves to rules or laws in advance without knowing and accepting the contents, especially when it chains everybody else. Well, maybe the Pakleds."

Barbrady's beeper goes off, "Oh, no – we got a Code 3862 in progress! Excuse me!" he then runs out of the office.

Victoria replies, "Boys, we're very busy here at South Park Elementary. We don't have time to read voluminous writings. Look, the town's people want us to get things done and work with the other side. We just adopt things, subjugate you unwillingly and hope for the best."

Kyle replies to Victoria, "It's about quality, not quantity. If you brag about cleaning ten toilets but they all still have pee and poop stains all over them and the people have to use them, what good is that? Who in their right mind cares about how many rules you adopted this semester?"

"But … if we didn't adopt things for the hell of it, they town's people would barely need me."

"I think we'll live," says Kyle.

"I'm too important. The voters keep re-electing me."

"No one has run against you. They think it's punishment to work here," says Stan.

"That's irrelevant – I know how to get things done around here. Besides, you're the ones called into this office, not me."

Stan replies, "Riiiggghhht, because this is your office and you're not a student."

"Ugh – stop making sense!" Victoria barks out.

The door to her office flies open. Barbrady shoves Mr. Garrison in first while he is handcuffed. Ima then enters.

Mr. Garrison comments, "Is this really necessary? These handcuffs aren't even comfortable. I don't know why you couldn't just use mine. Well, technically they're Mister Slave's, but-"

"What's the meaning of this, officer?" Victoria asks.

"This man is in violation of Code 3862 in regards to the Bias-Free Language Guide."

Ima points at Garrison, "I formally request that this teacher be relieved of teaching for failure to create a safe learning environment and for violating three sections of the Bias rules."

Victoria says, "Hum, that sounds serious. Tell us what happened, Mr. Garrison."

Ima interjects, "'Mister' is a gender-specific term that is exclusionary."

"Sorry," Victoria says.

Garrison replies, "All I did was say that there aren't any stupid questions, just stupid people. Then I called the kid a retard for not knowing the answer. Nothing I haven't done fifty times before."

"He admits it!" says Ima.

"We need Mr. Garrison to teach. Garrison, I hereby formally reprimand you. Repeated offenses will results in reduced pay," says Victoria.

"Let's see you find someone willing to teach these little bastards. They're reputation precedes them."

Ima quickly speaks, "'Bastards' is a gender-specific term that-"

"Oh, fuck off," Garrison interrupts her.

"I formally request that this teacher be reprimanded again," Ima asks Victoria immediately.

"Very well. Strike two, Garrison."

"Whatever," says Garrison.

Kyle turns to face Ima, "You can't make people think the way you believe. You're in our minds and you hadn't the right."

Ima replies, "Kyle, we're not telling people what to think, we're just showing them how."

Stan comments, "We actually neither need nor want any help with that, thanks."

"You will adapt. You all will adapt. Or you shall be obsolete in the new order," says Ima.

There are a few seconds of silence.

"I never thought I'd say this, but: can we go back to class now?" asks Kyle.

"Well, is that all, Ima?" Victoria asks.

"No."

"Ugh…" Stan grunts in a frustrated way.

Ima continues, "We're half a school day in and look how many offense there have been."

"You have to break a few Humpty dumpty's to make an authoritarian omelet," says Victoria.

"Unacceptable. This school is not conducive to a safe, comfortable, and bias-free learning environment."

"You got the 'learning environment' part right," Mr. Garrison says with heavy sarcasm.

"Sure a lot of seats are old and hard, some rooms are dilapidated, a few kids have died here and there, and testing standards were reduced to allow more genius-challenged students to just barely scrape by like in Florida, but-"

"This school needs a Safe Space," says Ima.

"A what?" Victoria asks.

"A specifically designated area where folks of all walks can go to avoid aggressions and feel safe and only hear good thoughts."

"Why not just close your eyes and stick a finger in each ear while humming?" asks Kyle.

"Passive aggressive attacks are not permitted, per page 38," Ima says to Kyle.

"Well, we don't actually have any free rooms available in the school," says Victoria.

"Then make one small area a designated Safe Space."

"We still have that extra row of lockers put in for future expansion when we tore down miss Chockesondick's classroom after she was murdered."

"Chocke's on what?" asks Ima, shocked.

"Oh, that was her name. We think it's German or something."

"Thank goodness I came here when I did – this school is in desperate need of PC micromanaging," says Ima.

"Very well. From this moment onward from the empty lockers to the back of thye wall, Chokesondick's area will now be known as the school's Safe Space."

Kyle chuckles.

"No," Stan hushes him.

Kyle does it again.

"Save it for later," says Stan.

"Is your friend all right?" Ima asks Stan.

"Yeah, he's just got something in his throat."

"Okay, so unless anybody has anything further to add, you're all dismissed," says Victoria.

"You do realize I'm still handcuffed right? Not that I'm uncomfortable – I'm used to being handcuffed behind my back and pushed around by a man in uniform," says Mr. Garrison.

"I need an adult," says Barbrady.

"Uncuff him. Go back to class, Garrison."

Kyle and Stan make their way out.

"Thank you," and then Ima and the rest leave.

Stan and Kyle look around to make sure nobody can hear them.

"Okay, you know you wanna say it," says Stan.

"Ima's gonna play in miss Chokesondick's area!" says Kyle.

They both snicker.

.

Later that day. Kids move about the halls conversing and changing out books from their lockers. As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny talk to each other, Ima nears with Eric at her side.

"Hey you two folks, gonna come along?" Eric says to them.

"To where?" asks Kyle.

"Ima is getting ready to open up her Safe Area."

"Safe Space, and it is not mine but for all students who feel marginalized and offended."

"Sure, I guess," says Kyle.

"Cool, see you there," says Eric.

Eric and Ima walk away.

"Why are you friends with them? They're so judgmental," says Ima to Eric.

"Oh, man, isn't this usually one of the signs of the apocalypse? Plague, pestilence, Safe Places?" asks Stan.

.

Ima walks down the end of a hall to where the area is; at it Victoria comes to note where it begins.

"May I have your attention, folks?" Ima asks.

People start to turn and face Ima; others notice the turns and growing silence and look as well. Principal Victoria walks down the hall with Barbrady.

Ima speaks again, "In conjunction with the school administration staff, we are proud to announce that South Park Elementary's first ever Safe Space is now open. That's page 277 in your Bias-Free Language Guide. Any person who feels marginalized, offended, and otherwise aggressed upon, can step into this area where any negativity, judgments, and loud noises are not permitted. The rules will be aggressively enforced. Any questions?"

Craig raises a hand.

"Yes, you in the blue. What's your name?" Ima asks.

"Craig."

"What's your question, Craig?"

"Why should we give a fuck?"

"Officer," Ima points at Craig.

Barbrady grabs Craig, "All right, you, come along peacefully; don't make me taze you, bro," dragging Craig away.

"Any other questions?" asks Ima.

Nobody raises their hand.

Victoria speaks, "All right. We'll now cut the ceremonial ribbon," she hands Ima a pair of scissors.

Ima turns to face the ribbon.

Ima stops and blurts out, " _What the hell is that?_ "

"Ah, the ribbon?" Victoria says confused.

"No, _that_ ," says Ima, pointing upward at an American flag hanging vertically from the ceiling.

Victoria replies, "Oh, that. That's our 9/11 memorial flag that honors the over three-thousand people who died when radical Islamic terrorists attacked the world Trade Center towers and the Pentagon. It's our way of paying continued respect for all those who lost their lives li-"

Ima cuts her off, "Take it down, _now!_ That flag is a symbol of oppression and a nation of war that's racist and closed-minded against the LGBT community. It had no place in a Safe Space."

"LB what?" asks Kyle.

Eric corrects Kyle, "LGBLT, dug, Kyle – a large bacon, lettuce and tomato."

"Ah, America? You sure you're not thinking about Iran?" Victoria asks Ima.

"I formally request it be taken down now or the matter will be escalated to the superintendant."

"Okay, okay, I'll go find a ladder," Victoria takes off.

Stan asks Eric, "Dude, what do you see in her?"

"Stan, can't two human begins share a bond of mutual affection for one another?"

"Yes, but you're Hellspawn," says Stan.

Ima cuts the ribbon and steps away into the Safe Space. Butters claps, alone.

"Folks, we'll have to make due until principal Victoria returns with that ladder. Would anybody like to join me?"

She's met with dead silence and blinking onlookers.

"Anybody at all?" You're safe in here."

Suddenly people step aside as Timmy drives through the crowd.

"Excellent. Welcome to the Sa-"

She's cut off with a loud smash as Timmy's electric wheelchair slams into the empty lockers, then rubs against them with the front wheels until it pulls to the side and hugs the lockers as the left-side hand rail huts the combination locks on each. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

" _Timmy!_ "

"What are you doing?" asks Ima.

Stan runs into the Safe Space and to Timmy, "Sorry about that, he just, you know, does that sometimes – he's mentally challenged.

Kyle calls out, "Wait – does he have to go to the bathroom like last time?"

"Right. Timmy," says Stan to Timmy.

" _Timmy!_ "

"Were you trying to go to the bathroom but hit the wrong direction?"

" _Timmy!_ "

"Oh. He has to go to the bathroom," Stan guides Timmy out of the Safe Space.

"Nobody?" asks Ima.

People go back to what they were doing. Cartman appears out of the dwindling crowd, pushing Tweak.

"Agh!" Tweak comments frustrated.

Eric stops once in.

"Are you sure this student wants to be in here?" Ima asks.

"Trust me," says Eric.

"What's your name?"

"Tweak."

"Welcome to the Safe Space, Tweak."

"Oh, Jesus!" Tweak exclaims.

"No! This is a religion-neutral space free from the judgments and domination of group-think religion; no Jesus. And no unnecessary yelling."

"Oh, God!" Tweak exclaims.

"No!" Ima again corrects.

Eric watches and comments under his breath, "Sweet."


	3. Chapter 3

The next day. Ima walks down the hall to her locker. She passes by Wendy.

"Oh, hey, you're that new kid, right?" Wendy asks.

Ima stops and faces Wendy, "'kid' is a tern that singles out and marginalizes people based on age discrimination."

"Whatever. Stan tells me he's been to the principal's office twice because of you."

"They made their choices. They are repeat micro-aggression offenders."

"Oh. There was something I wanted to tell you. Hummm … oh, I remember: leave my boyfriend alone or I'll kill you," Wendy then slams her locker shut.

Ima runs away and into her Safe Space at the end of the hall. Wendy walks over and stops at the cones.

"Got that?"

"I'm in the Safe Space – no aggressive, negative or loud words are allowed."

"Well, I'm not. So, tough," Wendy replies.

.

Wendy and Ima sit patiently in chairs on opposite sides of principal Victoria's office. The door opens and Stan walks in ahead of Barbrady.

"Please have a seat, Mr. Marsh," Victoria says to Stan.

Stan sits in the chair next to Wendy.

"Hey, Stan," says Wendy.

"Hey, Wendy."

"Wendy, Ima tells me you not only violated the Safe Space but also threatened to kill her if she didn't leave your boyfriend Stan alone. Is this true?"

"Yes. So?"

"Wait, I'm still your boyfriend? I thought we broke up."

Victoria speaks, "Threatening to kill people is unacceptable in this school."

Wendy replies to Stan, "We did, but I'm possessive."

"What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?" asks Victoria.

"Cool. I've never had a girl friend that would kill for me before."

Wendy replies to Victoria, "Mr. Krautklinger does that every day."

"That's different. He's German. And a little scary," Victoria replies.

"Well, pretend I'm German," says Wendy.

"Young lady, there will be no more life threatening from you on school premises or I'll have no choice but to formally reprimand you."

Stan says to Wendy, "So, does that mean we get to date again?"

Wendy says to Victoria, "Okay," then looks at Stan, "No, but I might let you kiss me."

"Cool," Stan says with a little excitement in his voice.

"Hey, this isn't the Dating Game, knock it off."

"What about the violation of the sanctity of the Safe Space?" asks Ima.

"Oh, yeah. Well, miss Testaburger, what do you have to say about that?"

"I wasn't in the Safe Space."

"But Ima was."

"But I was not. Does what she wants to do trump mine?"

"You do know we implemented the Bias-Free Language Guide a couple days ago, right?" says Victoria.

"Then isn't the Safe Space redundant?" asks Wendy.

"Well, I, ah … I guess…"

"No," Ima huffs.

"No," Victoria answers after looking at Ima.

Wendy replies, "Reality still exists outside her area. She can still, after all, hear people accidently violate the Guide."

"Miss LeCri, she has a point."

"Then I propose the area is boxed off so whomever is in there cannot hear what others are saying," says Ima.

Victoria replies, "Well, we don't have a budget to construct a box, but we do have lots of glass since we seem to go through a lot of panes here. If we reduced the size of the area and used glass we could use some epoxy to hold them together and to the wall, so you'd have both an air vent and an intake grill. The air would stay fresh and the ambient noise from the air conditioning vent and intake would block most sounds. Shop class could probably fashion a glass door in the pane."

"Crude but acceptable," says Ima.

"Great. I'll get the maintenance guy on the phone. Here are your tardy slips and you're all dismissed."

.

Stan opens the Social Studios classroom door and walks to his teacher.

"Here's my tardy slip, Mr. Kruatklinger."

"Very well. Un taken seaten."

Stan sits inbetween Kyle and Eric.

"Und today ve leahrn about zey German S.S.: Zionist super keelers or meesunderstood countrymen?" he starts writing on the black board.

Kyle whispers to Stan, "Dude, what happened? Did you get in trouble again?"

"No, Wendy was in trouble. She told Ima she'd kill her if she didn't leave me alone."

"Huh. I guess friendly warnings are out of fashion."

"Cool. I wish I had a girlfriend that would kill for me. Maybe Ima would," says Eric.

"I think you're more than capable of killing people all by yourself; you don't need to farm it out," says Kyle to Eric.

"Nine! Zhere eez no talking during un class!"

"Sorry, Mr. Krautklinger," says Kyle.

Krautklinger turns back around to continue writing propaganda on the chalk board. After a few seconds Eric pipes up, looking at Kyle.

"You're just jealous 'cause I have a girlfriend."

Kyle whispers back, "You don't have a girlfriend, you haven't even known her for a week."

"What can I say, Kyle? I'm a over-achiever."

"Bullshit. You're an over-weighter. It won't take long for her to see through your charade of lies."

" **NINE! NINE!** Broflofskiwagonvagonhaagendazsindeblitzkrieger! Und silence or death!"

Every kid stares wild-eyed with their mouths agape, except Eric who is smiling.

.

Krautklinger sits across from Victoria.

"Everybody is aware I have to actually perform my assigned position at some point, right?" Victoria says in a frustrated voice."Yah, yah, das eez goohd."

"Mr. Krautklinger, now I know you have very strong feelings about Germans, people of the Jewish faith, and the outcome of the second world war, but you can't go around threatening to kill every kid in South Park Elementary who is Jewish."

"Ah, nine, I vant to put theem on trains weeth padlocks to camps vhere zhey vill be safe."

"Mr. Krautklinger, that's a concentration camp."

"Nine! Eez recreational center weeth big unisex shower."

"No, it's a place of genocide," says Victoria.

"Lies!" Krautklinger slams a fist on her desk.

"Regardless of your lop-sided rose-colored glasses view of the National Socialist Germany, somebody in your class reported you to officer Barbrady, so you have to watch your mouth."

"But zhat ba-rat girl eez not in my class."

"It wasn't her."

" _Broflofski!_ "

"Privacy concerns prohibit me from saying who it was."

Krautklinger jumps up and makes a fist with his left hand, " _I vill kill him!_ "

"It wasn't him."

"Oh," he unclenches the fist and sits back down.

"And that's precisely the kind of thing you can't say here anymore. No killing students. On school premises."

"Yah, yah."

.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny eat their lunches at their usual table in the cafeteria. Eric approaches.

"Here comes super deluxe," says Stan.

"Hey, you all," says Eric.

"Cartman," says Stan.

"Cartman," says Kyle.

"Dohn't touch my foowd!" Kenny covers his tray.

"Oh, man, I'd love to stay and chat, but me and my girl have a lunch date. Chow," Eric says and walks away.

"Even his fake niceness pisses me off," says Kyle.

"At least he's not eating lunch with us."

.

Eric sits down next to Ima, alone at a table.

"Oh, ma … oh, it's so good to see you. I was thinking about you all third period."

"Thank you," says Ima.

"You know, I was thinking," he starts eating, "maybe we could hang out during recess, get to know each other better."

"You mean like a date? A male chauvinist practice designed to do nothing more than single out the opposite sex for prolonged ogling in what is expected to culminate in sexual relations?"

"No, no, of course not. Think of it more as two good friends being closer to one another."

"That might work," Ima replies.

"Cool. And maybe we can make out. Like friends."

"Ummm … okay," says Ima.

"Nice," Eric puts his slice of pizza down, then reaches into a pants pocket and pulls out a breath freshener spray bottle. He sprays it in his mouth three times, puts the bottle back, and then continues eating the slice of pizza.

.

Eric and Ima hold hands briefly as the bell rings, signaling the end of recess.

"Thank God that's over with," says Stan.

"Yeah. It seemed like they were making out forever. Shooting lasers into my eyes for surgery would be less painful," says Kyle.

Eric and Ima pass by Stan and Kyle.

"Hey, Stan, key Kyle. Ima, why don't you go on ahead so I can catch up with my friends."

"Okay. See you all in class."

Ima takes off.

"I see you found something to do with your mouth other than eat," says Kyle.

"You're just jealous, Kyle, 'cause none of your friends want to make out with you," Eric replies.

"All my friends are guys," says Kyle.

"Kyle, 'guys' is a gender-specific term that excludes the other sexes," says Eric innocently.

"Bull crap – you don't but that bunk for a second," Kyle says.

"Kyle, I may be a lot of things-"

"Fat," says Stan.

"Lazy," says Kyle.

"Racist," says Stan.

"Selfish," says Kyle.

"Deceitful," says Stan.

"Gluttonous," says Kyle.

"Ay! I'm a lot of things, but I'm not totally fucking retarded," says Eric.

They all suddenly hear a noise from behind them and turn to see what it is. Behind them is Timmy in his motorized wheelchair.

"Oh, crap," says Kyle.

"Dude," Stan says to Eric, "tell him you're sorry or we'll all end up in the principal's office facing detention."

"Damnit. All right, Timmy, I'm sorry."

" _Timmy!_ " Timmy shouts without any apparent indication he even understood.

"Oh. Never mind," says Stan.

"Wait a second … you're using her, aren't you?" Kyle asks Eric.

"Kyle, _some_ people can move out of their parent's basement and kiss a girl. Except Bronies."

Kyle responds, "I knew it. You're never nice unless you have something you believe you stand to gain."

"Go love yourself," Eric says, walking away.

"No. Not this time," Kyle says to Stan.

"What? It's not like Cartman using somebody is unexpected."

"I say _this_ time we take a proactive approach to nip him in the butt. Whatever he's got going on is the key to unraveling all this crap. Come on," Kyle takes off after Eric. Stan follows.

Eric walks down the hall toward Ima, already at her locker nearby the Safe Space.

"Hey, Ima," San says as he and Kyle walk up, his tone assertive.

"Well, I'm surprised you two aren't having a cigarette after all that Hoovering," says Kyle.

"That's resentment, judgment, and aggressive body language. All against the Bias-Free Language Guide," says Ima.

"Fess up, Cartman!" Kyle demands.

"Huh – more aggressive body language," says Ima.

"Oh, I'll show Cartman aggressive body language…" says Stan.

Eric takes Ima by the hand and quickly turns about and rushes to the Safe Space. Once in he shuts the door. Stan and Kyle stop at the door, pissed off. Stan flips Eric off. Ima gasps.

Eric indicates with two fingers that Stan has done a no-no. Stan and Kyle both speak. But all Eric and Ima can hear is the air conditioning hum.

"I can't hear you," Eric says, but neither Stan nor Kyle hear him. Eric motions to his ear coyly.

Kyle walks up to Eric and clearly and concisely, without any ambiguity, mouths: Fuck. You.

Eric covers Ima's eyes with a hand.

.

Eric, Ima, Stan and Kyle sit in chairs across from principal Victoria. Officer Barbrady stands behind the four of them.

"And after they left I exited the Safe Space and got a hold of officer Barbrady," Ima explains, already in progress.

"Well, boys, what do you have to say for yourselves?"

Kyle speaks up, "So, in other words she has no witnesses to these claims other than the known school liar, Eric Cartman?"

"Barbrady, how many witnesses did you find?" asks Victoria.

"Exactly zero, your principalness."

"What? That's impossible – we were surrounded by students," says Ima.

"Are you sure, officer?" Victoria asks again.

"Still zero," Barbrady replies.

"No!" Ima exclaims.

"Without witnesses, miss LeCri, all I can do is give them a friendly reminder of the newspeak policy."

Eric chimes in, "Mrs. Principal, this injustice is an outrage. I request, nay – I demand these two be reprimanded with capitol punishment. Or capital. Whichever involves a gulag."

"But there are two witnesses," says Ima.

Victoria replies, "Yes, and neither of you are an authority figure. What if the show was on the other foot and Mr. Marsh and Mr. Broflofski claimed you had violated one rule or another? With no witnesses I'd just have to take the word of one party."

"And?" Eric says.

"This incident has made me very uncomfortable and not at home," says Ima.

Stan looks at Eric, "Hear that, Cartman? Home – have you told her about Kenny's?"

"Stan, it's not funny to make fun of the super poor," replies Eric.

"I demand to know how you plan to rectify this. What good is a Safe Space if you can still see crude gestures and mouthed colorful metaphors?" asks Ima.

"Well, I guess we could have the glass tempered or laminated or whatever they call it so it acts as a one-way mirror. Naturally you wouldn't be able to see out, but for safety purposes staff would be able to see inward."

"Very well, I guess I find that proposal acceptable," says Ima.

The school bell rings.

Victoria replies back, "Very well. You heard the bell, school's over. You can all go now. I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here."

The four of them hop off the chairs and head out the office after Kyle opens the door. Ima stops at the door.

"No. Holding doors open for the female sex is an out-dated male-centric tradition that singles out women specifically based upon their sexual gender of choice to codify male dominance. I am quite capable of opening the door myself," Ima folds her arms.

"Okay," and Kyle them slams the office door shut on her.

Stan and Kyle head for their lockers.

After a few seconds Ima opens and closes the door to Victoria's office.

"You are such a strong individual. I was hoping _some_ body was going to set Kyle faux straight," says Eric.

"I know," she says as she heads for her locker as well.

Eric catches up, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

"Reading _Rules for Radicals_ and doing my homework. Why?"

"I meant for dinner."

"Probably some soy milk, gluten-free cereal and a side dish of lettuce to munch on."

"You maybe wanna go out someplace to eat?" Eric asks her.

"Wait – are you asking me out on a date? Because that would be insulting and-"

"No, no, of course not. That's so dusty and old fashioned. Just think of it as two good friends having dinner together."

She stops at her locker.

"Okay, I guess. What time?"

"I'll pick you up at seven."

"Agreed."

"We'll hang out, eat, make out some more, talk," says Eric.

"Sure," she closes her locker after putting her unneeded books away.

.

Ima sits patiently on the floor using the coffee table to do her homework. She hears two bicycle horn honks in quick succession and gets up. Having opened the front door she sees Eric in a red wagon being towed by a tricycle manned by Timmy.

" _Timmy!_ "

She locks the door, closes it, and heads for Eric.

As Ima approaches the wagon she says to Eric, "Glad you're not the type of guy that would open a door for me or get out to help me in, in some sort of aggressive male motive."

"No, of course not," says Eric in a sly way.

"Good."

"Cary on, my good man," Eric leans up and taps the front of the wagon.

" _Timmy!_ " and Timmy then peddles them away.

.

Eric and Ima sit side-by-side in the wagon, facing one side of the street. After a minute has passed, Ima speaks up.

"I have not yet been out to try the town's eateries. I hope we're going someplace interesting and quiet."

Timmy stops peddling, leaving the wagon parked out front of China Wok.

"Oh, multiculturalism, how progressive," says Ima.

"Yeah, what you said," says Eric.

.

The bell on the door rings as they enter.

"Oh, why hehruu! Wehlcom to Shitty Wok!"

"What?" Ima says shocked.

Eric says to her, "City Wok is a town favorite. People eat here all the time."

"They do?" looking at the empty seats.

"Mr. Kim, this is Ima – she's new in town. Ima, Mr. Kim – he owns the place."

"Oh, hehruu, eyemah. Leh-ta me show you tuu youhr seehts. Eet dohn't loohk buisee aht the moment, Iye assuhre you – they all ah booked."

"Thank you, my good man," says Eric.

Eric and Ima sit in a side wall booth.

Mr. Kim hovers over them with delight, "You, ah, wanna ohrder nohw?"

"We'll look over the menu a minute," Ima replies.

"Noh pwahbwem."

The bell again rings on the entrance door. This time Stan and his parents enter.

"Mohr?" Howee cwahp – mohr!" Mr. Kim makes his way quickly to them.

"Yeah, hey, ah, you still for that kid's dinner special going on?" Randy asks.

"Oh, yes, yes, ohv course – eye goht'a your rehsuhrvaytion right here!" he motions for them to follow. He sits them down at a table not far from Eric.

"Stan, isn't that your friend, Eric Cartman?" Sharon asks.

Stan eyes Eric suspiciously, "Cartman."

"Stanley," Eric replies.

"Rehdee tuu owdoor?"

Stan replies, "Yeah, I'll have Dinner Discount, Shitty kids meal with a side order of Shitty fries."

"Stan!" says Sharon.

Randy snickers.

"What? That's what they're called. Right?" Stan asks Mr. Kim.

"Oh, yeah – Shitty fries – Imayk'em juhst for ah yew."

"And the kid's meal?" asks Sharon.

"Oh, yeah – eet's ay wreal Shitty deal."

Randy again snickers.

"Randy, set an example," she elbows him.

"Yes, yes," Randy clears his throat, "I'll take an extra large Shitty burger and Shitty sushi. Say that five times fast. Honey?"

"A small burger, some fries, and some of your special rice.

"Oh'kay. Will you bee neehding any ehxtrah ov my seacrett Shitty sauhce?"

"What? Ew, now," says Randy.

"Ohkay. Eet bee ahbout, ah, soon menuts," Kim walks off as Stan and Randy cover their mouths and laugh to each other.

"Why are you'll laughing? You are both marginalizing that human being by his annunciations and pronunciations in your dominate English language," says Ima.

"that you're using," Stan says to Ima.

"Your negative judgments fail to take in the full range of contributions that man offers as an individual."

There's a couple seconds of silence.

Randy breaks it, "Yeah, every last one of his Shitty contributions," he laughs and high-fives Stan.

"Disgusting," says Ima.

"I know, honey," says Eric.

"The word 'I' is an intentional exclusionary-"

"Did you just call my husband disgusting?"

"No, I said what he did was disgusting.

"That's the same thing," says Sharon.

"No, it's not. Perhaps I should have someone explain it to you," Ima rebukes.

"Oh, no you don't. Maybe that argument would fly if I were a circle jerk moderator on some online message board, but I'm an adult. You're basing your comment, your judgment, on something my husband said; he didn't say it by proxy, Stan and I didn't say the words, there's no artificial intelligence robot speaking on his behalf, he said them; his thoughts, from his mouth, unique to the moment. I'm sick and tired of some self-ordained sanctimonious self-professed innocent trying to use somebody's own words to unethically circumnavigate common politeness to attack that person viciously, while maintaining the façade of the moral high ground."

"But he said-"

Sharon interrupts Ima, "I don't care! Somebody saying something to you doesn't give you a waiver to be discourteous on a plastic high horse."

"Mom…" Stan says surprised.

"Oh, yeah, umph, umph – kick that little girl's ass, Sharon. Oh, this is so how – we should go home and do it _right now_ ," says Randy.

"You just don't understand," says Ima.

"Oh no you don't. Snarky off hand comments don't cancel out well-reasoned intellectual thought and they certainly don't create a 'disagree to agree' scenario. You owe my husband an apology."

"Come on my mutually agreed evening partner, we're obviously not wanted here," says Eric to Ima.

Ima says with a pissed off tone as they near the entrance door, "Humph. Take me home, Eric. And we better damn well make out."

"Oh, I guess," feigning annoyance as the entrance door shuts behind them.

"What a bitch," says Sharon.


	4. Chapter 4

It's a beautiful Saturday morning in South Park. Mayor McDaniels jogs in the park in sweatpants and a sweat band, while two security agents run behind her. Eric peddles his tricycle furiously toward them, with Ima sitting behind him. The security guards turn; both draw their weapons while one protects her and the other aims at Eric.

"Security breech!" yells Johnson as he leaps onto McDaniels.

"Security breech!" yells Ted.

"What are you two ding dongs doing? They're kids! I told you not to shoot kids. Anymore," says McDaniels.

"Sorry," says Johnson.

"Sorry," says Ted.

Eric stops next to them.

"Johnson, you can get off me now. And don't tell me that's another pack of Life Savers."

"Sorry, I was protecting you," says Johnson.

Ima climbs off the trike, "Mayor McDaniels?"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"I would like to talk with you about making this town a safer and friendlier and more accepting community."

"I guess we could be friendlier, but as far as safety goes, South Park is the number two city with the highest murder and death rate right behind Detroit. Oh – maybe we could use happy face smiley body blankets."

"That is not what I mean. This town has a systemic problem," says Ima.

"Ah, which one?" the mayor asks.

"It is full of micro-aggressive, judgmental haters."

"Yeah, haters be like hatin' and what not," says Eric.

"Well, yes, but they do have a certain charm," the mayor replies.

"I suggest this town implement this," Ima hands the mayor the Guide, "the Bias-Free Language Guide."

"Oh, well, I'm sorry, little girl."

"Ima LeCri," says comes back.

"Miss LeCri. The citizens of this city are protected by what is called the Constitution, which protects their right to free speech. Even if a lot of what they say is pure shit."

"But it was implemented in the school."

"Which is not public property and school board members can pass rules and regulations within certain limitations of the law to suspend or diminish certain laws. They voted to implement it, right?"

"Yes," Ima replies.

"Well, baring the school paper, the guide rules speech on school property."

"But-"

"Look, miss LeCri, even if I could regulate what people say with the force of law, we'd end up arresting 98% of my constituency on a permanent basis. And then the person who runs against me would campaign on repealing the laws. We're a Constitutional republic, not a democracy."

"Couldn't you at least create a Safe Space?" Ima asks her.

"What's that?" the mayor asks.

"A special area where people can be free of aggressions and feel safe and only hear good thoughts."

"Oh. We already have those," mayor McDaniels replies.

"You do?" Ima says surprised.

"Yes, they're called our home bathrooms. Now, if you'll excuse me, grown up has grown-up things to do," she pats Ima on the head and continues jogging.

Ima grinds her teeth.

"That sucks we can't regulate people's freedom of speech. Fucking Constitution," says Eric.

"Make out with me _now!_ " Ima demands.

"Okay, but only if I can feel you up some," Eric replies.

"Whatever."

"Sweet."

.

Eric, Stan, Kenny and Kyle play a video game at Eric's house; Eric and Kenny are on the couch.

"What time is it?" Eric asks.

Stan continues furiously on the controller with his left hand and fishes out his phone with the other; he quickly darts his eyes at the screen, then puts the phone away and continues with both hands, "Six twenty-eight."

"Oh, shit, pause – my girl is about to be on TV," says Eric.

"Well, if Al Jizzera can have a cable channel, then I guess Hell can, too," says Kyle.

"Suck it _so hard_ , Kyle," Eric flips from the game to the TV and enters the local news station on the remote. He turns up the volume.

The news returns from commercials.

"Welcome back to the six o'clock news, I'm Tom Thompson. Each Sunday here at channel four, we like to give a forum to one local who has something on their mind. The little black-haired French girl behind me on the screen is a new student at South Park Elementary, named Ima LeCri. Here to talk to miss LeCri is a midget in a bikini."

Ima looks pissed off; she looks at the midget, then back at the camera, " _ **Really?!**_ "

"Come on you guys, let's get out of here while Cartman's girlfriend ruins TV without being a reality show or CNN," says Stan who drops his controller and stands up.

"Fine! You're just jealous anyway," Eric retorts.

"Suck out collective dicks," Stan shuts the front door behind him after Kenny and Kyle leave.

Eric looks at the door and shouts angrily, "Well, screw you guys, I'm going ho … going to stay where I am. Home. But the important part is: screw you guys!"

"We can't hear you," Stan calls out, his voice already distant and faint.

.

It's Monday morning in class. Mr. Garrison writes on the chalk board.

"And so with his old boss falsely imprisoned, Jim Profit thought he could more quickly work his way up the corporate ladder, but then Joanne started nosing around too much and Profit's stepmother showed back up in town.

The school bell rings, signaling the end of the first class. All the kids hop down from their desks and head out the classroom. Eric catches up to Ima.

"Hey, I saw you on the news yesterday."

"I don't get it; this town has a Starbucks – why is it so backwards?"

"Well, it does have a Taco Bell, so there is some diversity," says Eric.

"I've got it – we could encourage a conversation via Starbucks cups. Just not conversations about motives. Intentions. Group think. Passive aggressive ones. Ones with exclusive language. Resentments. Judgments. Triggers. Gender. Race. Religion. Opinions. Or assumptions."

"Nah, I heard on the news South Park has an illiteracy rate of 42%," says Eric.

"Perhaps the problem is deeper than I thought," she stops at her locker. As she switches books she notices out of the corner of her eye people in the Safe Space. "What?"

She and Eric walk over to see Stan, Kyle and Kenny hanging out in it, playing with their phones. Eric bangs on the glass.

"Ay! You assh … you fine gentlemen, get out of there now."

"What if they're using it?" asks Ima.

"Really? Seriously?" asks Eric.

Stan opens the door, "Yes?"

"What are you doing?" Eric says suspiciously.

"I don't know, what are _you_ doing?" Stan says in a low voice, half questioning Cartman.

"I asked you first," says Eric.

"We're killing time before the next class," Stan answers.

Kyle peaks his head out, too, "Yeah, go away."

Stan closes the door. This time Ima bangs on it. Stan opens the door back up.

Stan speaks, "Hold on – those sound like loud noises; page-"

Ima cuts him off, "Yes, page 286 – I'm more than familiar with the guide. Are you'll texting?" Ima asks.

"Yes," Stan answers.

"You're abusing the Safe Space!" Ima exclaims.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa – check your assumption. You only _assume_ we're abusing the Safe Space," says Stan.

"And your unnecessary yelling is hurting us," Kyle adds.

"Yeah, I can feel it right here some place. Or maybe I just have gas," says Stan.

"No – this is not proper use of the Safe Space," says Ima.

"Did you hear that?" Kyle asks Stan.

"Yep," says Stan.

"What?" asks Eric.

"That was a micro-aggression," says Kyle.

"Are you kidding me?" Ima puts her hands on her hips.

"No, and neither is he," says Stan, pointing to behind Ima.

Ima turns to see Barbrady.

.

All of them sit in Victoria's office with extra chairs put in. Barbrady stands behind them.

"Well, young la … person, I certainly didn't expect to see you here in the hot seat."

"The word 'young' marginalizes and discriminates upon a person based on their age," says Ima.

"But you are young," says Stan.

"Mr. Marsh, please. Miss LeCri, I don't think you're in a position to lecture other people after your multiple aggression offenses."

"Yeah, we formally request she be reprimanded," says Kyle.

"No!" Ima exclaims.

"Yes," says Stan.

"Very well. Strike one, miss LeCri."

"But … but I'm special. I created the guide."

"Well, that's tough. Very few revolutions end with those who started them," says Victoria.

"Well, where are their witnesses, hum?" says Ima.

"Officer Barbrady," Victoria points at him.

Barbrady speaks, "Yup, I witnessed the whole incident."

"Miss LeCri, stop complaining and take your own medicine. And Eric Cartman, consider yourself lucky to get out of here without a reprimand."

"Oh, man, sorry I can't take one for the cause, honey," says Eric to Ima, pretending to give a shit.

"Everybody is demised and here are your tardy slips," she reaches across the desk holding out the slips, which everybody collects. As everybody gets up, Victoria speaks again, "Eric Cartman, please stay seated. Officer, you can go back to duty."

"Okie dokie," he leaves behind the exited kids, closing the door behind himself.

Victoria waits a couple of seconds, then speaks, "You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah, thanks for keeping it hush-hush," says Eric.

"No problem. What's this about?"

"The Safe Space."

"Oh, thank God – I thought this was going to be another one of your demands there be a separate water fountain with a sign over it that says 'Jews Only'."

"No, I'm still collecting signatures on that. Still just two signers, but hope springs eternal," says Eric.

"Let me guess – you and Mr. Krautklinger."

"I can't divulge that. Anyway, I need to file a complaint about the Safe Space."

"Oh, dear. What?"

"It facilitates racism."

"Ahhh … why would that bother **you**?" asks Victoria.

"Page 38 of the Bias-Free Language Guide specifically states you cannot discriminate upon a person based on their color of skin."

"I don't understand – how does the Safe Space discriminate like that?"

"You see, principal Victoria, the school is predominantly white with only two black students."

"Half a dozen now, actually, but I suspect you don't even give a crap," she comments.

"Anyway, the Safe Space is used near exclusively by white people. It's a white power dominance hub."

"Huh. I never thought of it that way."

"I know," says Eric.

"Oh, no – how do we fix this before miss LeCri realizes it and causes a stink?"

"I'm glad you asked. Body paint."

"Body paint?" Victoria asks, confused.

"Everybody that uses the Safe Space paints their exposed body parts a nice neutral white color, so nobody is peach, brown, red, or even Simpsons yellow."

"Hum. For one, Mr. Cartman, I think you've actually come up with a good idea."

"Word."

"All right, from this point onward, all individuals using the Safe Space shall have to paint their viewable skin white. I'll print out the new rule and post it by the Safe Space."

"Thanks," Eric pretends to be kind.

.

All of them and Ima sit in Mr. Garrison's next class.

"Okay, class, last class I was discussing the TV series 'Profit'. Unfortunately, after eight episodes, the series was cancelled. The show's creators later on went on to say had it continued, Jim Profit would have sought to be the President of the United States of America. A natural progression considering Jim's part, making him an ideal elitist politician. Okay, turn to the final page on your study sheets so we can cover the final episode…"

Craig raises a hand.

"Yes, Craig, you have a question," asks Mr. Garrison, pointing at Craig.

Craig lowers his hand, "I don't get the whole Adrian Pasdar thing; he looks kind of aloof and disheveled.""Well, that's because you're a dumb bastard, Craig."

"Huh!" Ima exclaims and then whips out her cellphone, texting quickly.

"Anyway, as you can see on the final page, Jim Profit now had his secretary working for him and found out one of the executives has a strange secret, so he-"

The door to Garrison's classroom is kicked in.

"What? I suppose you're not an Adrian Pasdar fan either," says Garrison to Barbrady.

Barbrady yells, "I got a report of a code _3825!_ "

Ima points to Mr. Garrison, "Our teacher."

"Come along with me, Garrison."

"Seriously? Tell me – who will teach the children about how awesome Adrian Pasdar is?"

"This is strike three, Garrison – you're out," says Barbrady.

"Hey! I thought it was just a pay reduction."

"Not anymore. You can come peacefully or I can needlessly handcuff you just for speaking out like at a teacher or city council meeting. Your choice."

Garrison walks toward Barbrady, "Where are you taking me? What – am I under arrest?"

"No, no – you're not being arrested, you're being temporarily relocated. And not to jail, no, but to your justice-involved-individuals temporary guest room. It's an efficiency room where the toilet is conveniently next to your bed!"

"No way, dude!" says Stan.

"That's it," Kyle says silently to Stan, "this means war."

"Do I get spankings for being naughty?" Mr. Garrison can be heard commenting out in the hall, having been lead out.

Barbrady pokes his head back in, "Oh, here comes your substitute now. Bye."

After a few seconds Mr. Krautklinger enters.

"Und class, I am zee substitute teacher," he clicks his boots together.

Butters comments aloud, "Oh, no – a substitute? I haven't even finished watching all eight episodes of 'Profit' yet."

Ima gets up and walks up next to Krautklinger.

"That's right, folks, a substitute from here-on-in. By order 66 of the Bias-Free Language Guide, the teacher known as Garrison has been declared un-mutual."

"Un-mutual!" Krautklinger bellows.

"Un-mutual!" Ima yells.

"Un-mutual!" Krautklinger bellows again.

"Un-mutual!" Ima yells again.

" _ **Kill zee Jew, Kyle!**_ I mean … un-mutual!" Krautklinger bellows.


	5. Chapter 5

Eric and Ima casually walk through the halls as kids rush by them to get to their respective lockers during the changing of classes.

"Oh, my mutually-agreed fluidic-relationship equal, that was so awesome what you did to Garrison," says Eric.

"Garrison knew the consequences. If people would just stop resisting the gradual quiet coup, this could be done so much more swiftly. Why bother? Resistance is futile anyway," says Ima.

"So, what are you doing after school today?"

"I'm going door-to-door to hand out copies of the Bias-Free Language Guide. If the mayor wont' do anything, then maybe I can get the folks to police themselves out of fear vengeance, like in NAZI Germany. This is all so much more easier in Cuba."

"Wow, really? Fiedel Castro is a hero of mine. I just love his super-long rambling Marxist harangues. I can't remember a word of them, but they're so inspiring."

"Me neither, but they are indeed inspiring. What the hell?" says Ima after they've turned the corner to the hall her locker is located in.

At the ends of the hall where the Safe Space is, Stan and Kyle man a booth with the 9/11 memorial flag draped over the awning and a sign that reads: White Face Paint 5¢. Inside the Safe Space glass enclosure is Tweek with head and hands painted white.

"Whoa – Tweek is totally rocking that KISS look," Eric comments.

"Just what do you two think you're doing?" Ima says angrily.

"Capitalism," Stan answers.

"Capitalism?" Ima blurts out.

"Yeah, art class doesn't have enough white face paint to meet the demand, so we saw the demand and met it with supply."

"I find it offensive you'd use the Safe Space to propagate the greedy unjust Capitalistic system."

"So? It's not against the Guide – we checked," says Stan.

"Then what about that racist symbol of oppression hanging above you two? I already formally requested and had it removed."

Stan answers back, "If this is such a terrible country full of racists, you don't' have to stay here, go."

Kyle jumps in, "Yeah, renounce you citizenship and leave. Go live in one of your communist or socialist paradises where they can't get toilet paper or disappear in the middle of the night."

"No!" Ima says.

"Why not? Oh, that's right – there aren't boatloads and rubber raft loads of Americans fleeing to Cuba," says Kyle.

"Propagandic blasphemy," says Eric.

Kyle continues, "Besides, the American flag isn't banned out-right in school under the Guide – just in or above a Safe Space. We checked."

Ima grinds her teeth, "Well, then I guess next semester's copy will have to be updated."

"That sounds like passive aggressiveness to me," says Stan.

"I know what the Guide says," says Ima.

"Is there a problem here?" asks Victoria, who has just walked up to check out the new paint system.

"They're profiting off the Safe Space," says Ima to Victoria.

"Oh. So? Some kids have lemonade stands, others face paint booths. Entrepreneurial spirit like this gives me hope for the future," says Victoria.

"You're okay with this?" Ima asks her.

"Oh, yeah. I remember when the superintendent's kid went around offering to pressure wash the inside of trashcans. He saved it, invested it and when he turned 18 he was able to buy his own car. What are you two going to spend your hard-earned money on?"

"Candy," says Stan.

"Soda," says Kyle.

"Agh! This is a violation of _some_ thing," says Ima.

Stan says, "Principal Victoria, Ima was just unnecessarily loud and vocally negative."

"Yeah, I feel triggered," says Kyle.

"We formally request she be given a reprimand for violating codes in the Bias-Free Language Guide," says Stan.

"You're right. Strike one, miss LeCri," says Victoria.

"What?" Ima says in disbelief.

"Come on, my little non-conformist dumpling – let's go to our classes," Eric escorts her away.

"Good work, boys – hope you do well," Victoria walks off.

"Thanks principal Victoria," Stan replies.

"Can you make my face really really white?" asks Craig.

Kyle replies, "Absolutely – the Chris Matthews special; that'll be eight cents."

.

Eric and Ima sit under the octagon climber, next to each other during recess.

"Who do they think they are?" Ima comments angrily.

"Pardon my French, but they're aggressive assholes," Eric replies.

"I'm the one who helped bring these progressive rules to them. I should be exempt or get a waiver."

"Maybe you'd feel better if we made out and grouped for recess."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, of course."

They turn their heads to each other and make out as she reaches for his buttocks and he for her non-existent boobies.

Stan sees them making out and comments to Kyle and Kenny, "Oh, God – they're doing it again."

Kyle replies, "I'm having a hard time deciding if they're enjoying themselves or siphoning each other's souls."

.

After a couple of minutes Eric stops.

"Did I say you could stop?" says Ima.

"You know, Ima, I've been thinking … we've known each other for almost a week-and-a-half now. And we've been making out for most of that."

"Yes, and grouping."

"Which is nice; no complaints there. But I was thinking we could take it to the next level."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, you know how if a snake bites one of your fingers and it becomes all stiff and swollen? And one of your parents has to kiss it to make it feel better? Pretend you had something stiff and swollen that could only feel better by someone other than your parents touching it."

"I'm not sure what you mean. I guess…" the recess bell rings, signaling the end of recess, "Ahhh … let me think about it," she gets up and climbs out of the climber.

"Sure, no problem," Eric looks on innocently.

.

Victoria fills out papers at her desk as she hears somebody knock a couple of times; she stops.

"Come in."

The door is opened to reveal Eric. He closes it.

"How can I help you, Eric?" she says as he plops down on a chair across from her desk.

"It's about the Safe Space, principal Victoria."

"Oh, goodness – now what? We already enacted the body paint, I'm sure you saw it."

"I did. It's about clothing."

"I don't think I follow you."

"Clothing can be offensive," says Eric.

"Oh, I see, you mean like inappropriate language, lewd gestures and sexually suggestive imagery?"

"No, colors."

"Colors are offensive?" Victoria asks.

"Well, aside from marginalizing the color blind and excluding the blind altogether…"

"Oh, dear."

"Colors negatively affected the intension of the Safe Space. Gang colors are offensive, bright or mismatched colors signal out those with money and common sense from trailer trash, and, well, poor Butters wore plaid and two golfers beat the hell out of him."

"Oh, well, I hope everything was okay," she says.

"Yeah, they finished through," he says dismissively, "but in order to not offend those inside the Safe Space, I suggest occupiers be forced to wear a non-descript unisex uniform."

"I guess that sounds reasonable."

"And so we don't offend anybody, I suggest that uniforms be both black and white in color. Striped so one color doesn't dominate over the other."

"That's an excellent idea."

"My genius is often underappreciated."

"Well, the school doesn't have a budget for new clothing, but we do still have those black and white costumes from the French play students put on last year. They're striped, so that will work."

"Wee. Wee," Eric replies.

"Thanks, I'll go see to it myself right now."

"Cool."

.

Later that school day. Eric and other students heard in front of the Safe Space box as Tweek stands in it, exposed skin painted white and wearing a black and white striped shirt. Tweek moves in place, feeling the inside walls of the Safe Space box with both hands, looking confused.

"I never thought I'd feel so bad for Tweek," says Eric.

"There's a message here in this somewhere, Cartman," says Kyle from the face-paint booth.

"Oh, neat – you mean like a secret decoder ring message?" Eric asks.

"Agh!" Kyle exclaims.

The school bell rings, signaling the end of the school day.

"Kenny, come on, stop playing the Spock death scene so we can get good seats on the bus," Stan calls out.

Kenny takes his mitten-covered left hand off the Safe Space glass where one of Tweek's hands is, and joins Kyle and Stan.

As they make their way down the next hall and for the school entrance, they see Ima handing out flyers to students as they exit.

"Speaking event tonight at the town square," she hands out a flyer, "speaking event tonight at the town square."

Eric stops in front of Ima, "Tel them there will be punch and pie; more people will show up for punch and pie."

Kyle takes a flyer and holds it so he, Stan, and Kenny can read it, too, to find out what manner of fuckery it is.

Ima replies, "What? No. Punch and pie are full of sugar and calories and not a Mishell Obama-approved meal for the youth."

"So, they're youth as long as you don't' call them young…" Stan comments, not necessarily asking a question so much as making a comment.

"What is this public speaking event about?" asks Kyle.

"It's about helping you improve your lives. We can help make them better lives, all better lives. You should come, you might learn something."

Kyle replies, "Yeah, we'll be there," he exits the school.

"What?" Stan asks Kyle, shocked after he catches up to him and Kenny. "You can't be serious."

"Dude, it's all right. I'm just going so I know what she's going to do next."

"Well, just as long as we're back before 'Terence and Phillip'," Stan replies.

"Of course."

.

It's later in the day in South Park and the sun as lowered as South Park residents young and old have gathered around the town square public podium. Off to the side Tom Thompson and his channel four news crew are testing the sound levels, readying for the speech so town residents who couldn't come, can also see it.

Eric sits in a foldable beach chair, wolfing Cheesy Puffs with one hand and sipping soda in the other.

"I guess you figured you're not on school premises anymore, huh?"

"Yeah, why?" asks Eric.

"Just keep crammin' you galactic fat fuck," says Kyle.

"You're just jealous 'cause she won't make out with you."

"If Ima and I were the last two human beings on Earth I wouldn't make out with her. I wouldn't want the world re-populated with people indoctrinated by her."

"Not ah," Eric blows Kyle's statement off.

"Yeah huh. If God made it so it was just me and her, it's God's way of saying: it's the human races' time!"

"That's harsh, bro; dying a virgin," says Eric.

Ima walks to the podium and taps the microphone head to get everyone's attention. The crowd hushes as she walks out from behind the taller podium, microphone in hand.

"Thank you all for coming. Given name is Ima LeCri. There's an epidemic in South Park."

"Oh, God, not anther one!" Randy can be heard calling out from the back of the crowd.

"An epidemic of willful ignorant aggressions."

Sheila calls out, "Oh, dear, what's that?"

"Over my two weeks in your town, I have come to realize it is inhabited by judgmental, dominant white racist Americans."

Kenny's dad speaks up, "since when is it a crime to be white or American?"

Ima answers, "America is the cause of all the world's problems and it's precisely because it's predominantly white."

Father Maxi speaks up as well, "Miss LeCri, on what do you lay such a heated claim of racism? I've been both the priest of our church and father confessor for a long time and your claim doesn't jive with what I know. Furthermore we've never even had a KKK member in all my years."

Ima replies, "All white people have inherent racism built into their DNA, they just don't know it."

Then Randy comments, "So, ah, then what – if a white person has sex with a black person and the female, like, has a baby and the baby is black, and, you know, it got its DNA from both parents, does that then mean the baby has racism in its DNA? Genetics, like, confuses me."

"No. Only white people can be racist," says Ima.

Randy scratches his head, "Ah, I'm pretty sure that's not how DNA works…"

"But I have good news, everybody – there are steps you can take to atone for your aggressions to help make this town a better place."

Butters shyly chimes in, "Ah-ah, ex-excuse me there misses LeCri."

"Yes?" Ima asks him.

"Well, ah, gosh – if we're all so bad as you say then why don't you just move to another town?"

"No – it's my duty as a social justice progressive warrior to force change. Racist."

"Oh … my feelings…" says Butters with a sad voice.

"In order to make this town a better place you must banish the churches, make every business a gun-free zone, accept hundreds of unvetted Syrian refugees, raise local taxes, and police your thoughts and language as well as others'."

Jimbo bellows, "So let me get this straight – after we do all of that, we'll have created that rainbow to liberal paradise?"

"No, then I'll make other suggestions and move the goal posts. Standard procedure," Ima replies.

Stan raises his right hand, "I have a question."

Ima replies in a frustrated tone after seeing it's him, "Yes?"

"I was curious how a town full of what you call dominant white racist Americans, are going to make the town a better place. Isn't that like asking thieves to help make a town less crime ridden?"

Ima squints her eyes angrily, then replies, "Racist."

Stan comes back, "Do you have _racist_ Turrets?"

Ima continues on, "Anyhow, here are the things you can do to reframe from judging and marginalizing people: reframe from marginalizing people based on their sex, gender of choice, skin color they identify as, weight, age, and ethnicity; be race and religion neutral; reframe from making opinions about other people as well as judging them. Check your assumptions: are you assuming their motives?"

Randy once again speaks up, "Excuse me, I have another question."

"Yes?"

"Shouldn't you be checking your assumptions? Why do you assume we're dominant? Why do you assume we're all white? Or racist? Or that we can't make the world a better place? We've had our ups and downs as people and a nation, but we've done pretty damn good without you for like two-hundred years."

"Yeah!" Jimbo and most of the crowd bellows out.

Ima continues, dismissing Randy's comments immediately, "Using power of white privilege to dominate, passive aggressiveness, resentment, aggressive body language, loud noises-"

"Eeeaaahhhhh, shut up!" says Jimbo, mimicking Bugs Bunny.

"Ew – burn!" says Randy.

"That's aggressive yelling and vocal negativity!" shouts Ima.

Gerald speaks up, too, "So? We don't' care. None of us are perfect, including you, but yet somehow we're all so horrible and racist that only the accuser – an imperfect elitist herself – can help us build that rainbow bridge to Utopia? Honestly? I know me, I know my own heart, and as imperfect as it is, if need be I'd put it against yours any day."

Sheila also speaks up, "My Gerald is a good man. He and I already live by a set of rules: the Ten Commandments."

Jimbo yells to Ima, "I'm gonna tell you what I told that Mormon bicyclist, the _save the whales_ guy, and the door-to-door Democrat supporter: no thanks, we don't need any!"

Everybody shouts in agreement as Eric makes his way out of the crowd.

"Fine!" Ima exclaims loudly, "You had your chance to cooperate, but you thought it would be fun to insult me, but now it is my turn, wise ass. If you all don't start checking yourselves and adopt the Bias-Free Language Guide, I'll call the ACLU, the Civil Liberties Union, and the Justice Department and they'll fill this town full of so many protestors you'll's lives will be a living nightmare! Then I'll get the Justice Department to investigate you, the court, and the police department, issue a report saying the whole town is racist, and then sue your city until it falls into line and re-writes its local laws and ordinances. You don't want to go quietly into the night? Well, _we're gonna_ _ **force you!**_ "

Timmy pulls up in front of the steps to the podium, with Eric in the connected red wagon. He hops off and up the steps.

" _You'll become a twenty-four hours a day news coverage report on CNN and MSLSD!_ "

" _ **BOOOOO!**_ " everybody bellows loudly.

Eric shoves Ima to the steps and down them.

"You folks have until midnight tomorrow to make up your minds!"

She hops in the wagon with Eric and he takes the microphone and throws it at the stage, followed by him tapping the front of the wagon twice in a quick succession and adding just as quickly, "Make haste, my good man!"

" _Timmy!_ " and with that Timmy peddles them away swiftly.

Father Maxi calls out to Ima, "Judge not lest thee be judged!"

Randy also calls out, "Yeah! And judge this!" and he then grabs his crotch.

"Randy!" Sharon says as she elbows him.

.

Eric looks over at Ima as Timmy pulls the wagon, "Are you okay?"

"No," she huffs.

"Oh. Where do you want to go?"

Ima replies, "Take me home…"


	6. Chapter 6

Timmy stops peddling once he's reached Ima's house. As they exit the wagon, Eric notices no car in the drive way and no lights on in the house. He follows her to the front door and she unlocks and opens it, closing it once they're both in. She flips the lights switch, revealing a mostly baron living room. On the walls hang some paintings: one of mass murdering racist Che Guevara, the communist hammer and sickle symbol, and various modern art square paintings of uniform colors.

"Sooo, ahhh … where are your parents?"

"I live alone."

"Really? So, where are they now?"

"They're dead," Ima replies.

"Well, if you don't mind me asking – how'd they die? 'cause if you chopped them up and fed them to somebody else, I'd be surprisingly okay with it…"

"They killed themselves. They couldn't live in a world with global warming and made a suicide pact. It is unfortunate they didn't stick around since global warming hasn't killed all of us yet. I know the nearly thirty years of predictions and deadlines have all been proven wrong, but this time it'll be different."

"Ohhh, so you live by yourself? That's too bad…" he quickly whips out the breath freshener and squirts it in his mouth and then also qui9ckly pockets it.

"Yes, I inherited everything. I petitioned the government and got a waiver; I'm legally considered an adult."

"Sweeet…" Eric looks around, "I wish my mom was dead so I could live alone."

"Here, sit on the couch with me," she pats it before hopping up onto it.

Eric climbs on next to her, "Comfy couch."

"I know. Cheesy Puffs?" she hands him a bag from behind a couch cushion.

"I don't know … it's pretty high in calories. Well, I guess just this once," he rips the bag open and starts munching on them.

"A 'Terence & Philip' re-run is on."

"Sweet. Wait a second, miss LeCri, are you trying to seduce me?"

"No, of course not. Did you know un-wed mothers can get thousands of dollars each month in subsidies from the government? Imagine all the towns I can go to and force change upon with that money."

"Wait – you're using _me_?" says Eric.

"Three minutes for a life time of change."

"A baby? Three years ago I couldn't even spell baby."

"So, just get stiff and swollen, and pee in me so I can get pregnant. Well, that's how I _think_ it works."

"I don't want to get you pregnant – I just want you to play with my wiener."

"What? Ew, no – I'm not gonna touch your weewee. They're only for baby making, nothing else."

Eric jumps off the couch, "I am shocked. _Shocked_ you would lead me here under such false pretenses," he continues eating the Cheesy Puffs, "I thought we had something special going on," he finishes the last of the small bag, "but now I'm not so sure," he rips it open and licks the cheese off the inside of the bag, "I'm afraid I must bid you a good night," and with that Eric opens the front door, sniffs the bag, and then leaves.

Ima snaps a finger and mouths, "Damnit."

.

Eric climbs into the red wagon Timmy pulls with his trike.

"Principal Victoria's house."

" _Timmy!_ "

.

Eric presses the doorbell to principal Victoria's house. Victoria gets up and opens the front door after walking to it upon hearing some knocks.

"Oh, for the love of Pete – Eric Cartman, whatever it is, can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"I'm afraid not, principal Victoria."

"Well, now what?"

"It's about the Safe Space again."

"What? But we've done so much – what on Earth could be the problem now?"

"You see, principal, my understanding is that those inside the Safe Space feel marginalized by the Safe Space because they can't do anything and are confined to a small area."

"Well, I don't really see what we can do about that without making the whole school a Safe space. I'm open to suggestions – I don't want the DOJ to say I never tried hard enough."

"One word: Oculous."

.

The next morning. All the kids are gathered in the gym and sit on the bleachers, chatting while waiting. Mr. Mackey walks up to the microphone stand and removes the mic'.

"Okay, students, settle down. We've called for this student assembly to announce a very important chance to the Safe space," he holds up an Oculous virtual reality headset, "We have decided to eliminate the confines of the Safe Space with this. Um'kay, this virtual reality headset will segregate the wearer from all contact with real life, putting him or her in a world designed to only tell them and show them what they want to hear; what they may deem a more perfect world. It will use electrical impulses and stimulate they body to imply real contact and interaction. We call the users: Biological Organisms in Reclusive Galvanism, or the BORG. They even this cute little red laser pointer on the side to alert non-wearers they're nearby since the user can't see where they are going, um'kay," he then hands Victoria the microphone.

"Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Students wishing to join the BORG collective just need to sign out a headset from the office. These things aren't cheap. Right now we only have half a dozen or so rented out."

"Well, the face paint booth was fun while it lasted," Kyle comments to Stan.

"Thank you all for coming. Please proceed to the first class of your day as you normally would have."

The students get up and climb down the bleachers, making their way for the gym exit.

.

The four of them and Ima sit in what was Mr. Garrison's class, with Eric now separated from Ima by Kenny.

"Und class, vee now peehk up from vhere you teacher left off. Vhat vas zee topic?" Mr. Krautklinger asks.

Butters speaks after raising his hand and being acknowledged, "Ah, Mr. Krautklinger, Mr. Garrison was teaching us about an actor named Adrian Pasdar."

"Who eez das Adrian Pasdar?"

"Here, there's a picture in my study guide."

Mr. Krautklinger grabs Butters' study guide and examines it, furling his brow, "Nein. Nein! Vhat eez das? Heez hair eez neither blond nor heez eyez blue. Zees eez not zeh master race! Und garbage!"

"Yeah!" Ima shouts.

"I speet on heem!" Klaus yells.

"Exactly! This male-centric subject marginalizes the important contributions of women."

"Like racist Margaret Sanger, who you have a picture of in your locker?" Stan asks.

"What is so important about men anyway?" asks Ima.

"Vhat? Mein furor vas man!" Klaus yells.

"I don't have to sit here and listen to you; you're in violation of multiple bias-Free Language Guide codes," she gets up and walks out of the class.

"No! Get back een seat!" Klaus follows her out.

"Whoa, cool – nutjob fight," Kyle and others get up and stand at the classroom door.

"I am zee teacher und you vill leeson to me!"

"No. Misogynist."

Butters exclaims, "Oh, no – now he's massagin' it, too."

"Nein! Class, now!"

Other classroom doors open and teachers and students peak out.

"You are more than three strikes over - by default I declare you un-mutual!"

"Nein! You are un-mutual!"

"No, you are!" Ima comes back.

"I know you are but vhat am I?"

"Un-mutual," says Ima.

Mr. Mackey ruches over and gets in the middle of them.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, um'kay, now, what seems to be the problem?"

"She vill not get into class," Mr. Krautklinger says.

"This teacher is a sexist with multiple aggressive violations of the Bias-Free Language Guide," she points at Krautklinger.

"Um'kay, miss LeCri, students and faculty may have their disagreements from time-to-time, but the place to work that out is ion the principal's office in a meeting, not with a shouting match out in the hall. Let's try to be respectful of one another and-"

Ima interrupts him, "Be quiet! It is your job to create a place of comfort and home for the students that attend South Park elementary. Saying that statement goes against your position as counselor. Do you understand that?"

"No, I don't agree with that," says Mackey.

"Then why the fuck did you accept the position?! You should step down! If that is what you think of being a counselor, then you should step down!"

"Um'kay, my-my job description doesn't include making this a cozy home. I'm just a counselor and this is a learning institution."

"You are not doing that – you are disgusting!" Ima shouts back.

"I … I don't think I'm disgusting…"

"You – where's the acknowledgement of hurt?"

"Well, I do kind of feel hurt," says Mackey.

"Agh! You again! You need to resign!"

"But all I did was try to politely and respectfully help."

"Passive aggressive guilt tripping!"

"But I am free to be polite and helpful, I think."

"No! You are not free to invade my comfort!"

Mr. Mackey comes back, "Other people have rights, too, not just you."

"You are a disgusting embarrassment to you profession!" she walks off.

Mr. Mackey begins to cry.

"I'm sorry," he removes his glasses to wipe away tears, "I'm sorry."

"Mr. Mackey, it's okay," says Stan.

"I'm sorry for being such an embarrassment," he cups his eyes and cries out loud.

"Dude, whoa. Not even remotely cool," says Kyle.

.

The school bell rings. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan stop at their lockers after making their way around half a dozen students wearing the Oculous headsets.

Eric waddles in, "Oh, guys, seriously – this is so cool. It's like I'm not even here!"

"If only," says Stan in a low voice.

Cartman bangs into a locker, then backs up and keeps waddling around.

Kyle asks, "How do you even know we're here? You can't see a damn thing."

"Dude, you totally smell like your mom's Vic's VapoRub. And fat lady. You should stop hugging her," Eric replies.

Kyle retorts, "Of course you would know, you have inherent fatness in your DNA."

"Shhh, Kyle, what if somebody hears you? You'll get in trouble," Stan warns.

"I don't care anymore. If I'll be damned, I'll be damned for being who I am. Someone has to be Bonhoeffer."

"Did somebody say Bernard Hoffer? That 'Thundercats' theme is totally sweet," says Eric.

"Agh!" Kyle grunts.

Butters walks over, "It's okay fellas, Ima called in sick today so she's not here."

"Then we'll just have to keep an eye out for officer Barbrady and hopefully we'll be okay," says Stan.

"Ah, well, didn't you hear?" Butters asks them.

"Hear what?" asks Kyle.

"Why, ah, Barbrady got three strikes and had to be dismissed."

"Not ah," says Stan.

"Yes, way," says Butters.

"Fwor wut?" Kenny asks in a muffled voice.

"Let's see, um, strike one – he was white and in power that dominated others; strike two, violated the _no touching_ rule by handcuffing people, and I think the third strike had to deal with him only arresting white people, so he was deemed a racist."

"Oh, fuck, the cannibals are eating the cannibals," says Kyle.

"It's gonna be anarchy around here soon," says Stan.

"Oh no! That's bad, right?" asks Butters.

"Yes, Butters," says Stan.

Eric speaks back up, "Oh, dude, I'm totally in a bathroom taking a shit right now. It's just like real life. Oh my God, guys – what if I took a real shit at the same time I was faking a shit?"

"Well, my mind's blown," Kyle says sarcastically.

"Come on you guys, let's get to class before the bell rings and Mr. Krautklinger gets angry," Stan says to them.

.

They sit in the class patiently and the door opens to reveal Mr. Garrison.

"Mr. Garrison!" Kyle exclaims.

"Settle down class, it's only temporary."

"Still, its good a welcome reprieve from Mr. Krautklinger," says Stan.

"Okay, class, zip it. Now, even though 'Profit' was over, Adrian Pasdar was blessed to be the star of another series, 'Mysterious Ways', this time lasting two seasons. Playing a professor of anthropology…"

"Dude," Kyle says to Eric, "get your backpack o0ut of the chair so I can sit in the middle."

"Not ah, this is still Ima's chair."

"I don'

"I don't see her name on it."

"Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski – what are you two bastards arguing over now?"

"Mr. Garrison, Kyle is invading my special area," Eric says innocently.

"That's Safe Space, you idiot!"

"Oh. Well, get over it," says Garrison.

"I formally request he be sent to the principal's office and be reprimanded," says Eric.

"That won't be necessary. Didn't you hear? The Bias-Free Language Guide has been temporarily suspended," says Garrison.

Everyone in class exclaims, "Yay!" in joy except Eric.

"What? No. Why?" Eric says in shock.

"After the principal received an anonymous tip, they realized the Guide was racist and marginalized people of color and sex. It targeted 100% of white kids and 100% of all black students. And it was written, implemented and enforced by a bunch of honkies. So it was suspended, that's why I'm here. So, shut up. And don't think I've forgotten about you, Craig, you dumb bastard. Anyhow, with his assistant, Miranda, Pasdar's character would go around investigating miracles…"

.

Later that day. The school bell rings, signaling the end of the school day. Kids exit class rooms, while others out early for the buses, head out. One's with Oculous headsets on bump into students, one into a wall.

.

Ima sits on her bed, looking up at a picture of Mao Tse-tung hanging on her wall.

"There's a darkness hanging over me, Mao, and a cold wind blowin' on my progressive dreams. The enemies are lurin' our surfs away, teachin' them conservatism," she is silent for a few seconds, not blinking, then continues, "I'm gonna have to be terrible hard on Stan and Kyle, Mao; I'm gonna have to **put the lash across them** before they all get turned…"

.

The wind blows threw the crowd as it gathers to the Town Square public podium. Above, the moon lights the town in a blue hue. Midnight nears. Along with the adults, a number of children are gathered. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan wait patiently. After a few seconds, Eric walks up and joins them.

Hey, fatass," says Stan.

"Guys, it's so good to be out of those boxes and virtual reality things and be in real sunlight again, like earlier. Now I can get back to real life," he breaths fresh air in and out, them pulls his iPhone out of a pocket and looks down, "Sweet, a new Angry Birds app."

Jimbo walks around with Ned, handing things to town residents.

"Dude, it's almost midnight; when is you wart on the ass of society girlfriend gonna show up?" Stan asks Eric.

"Stan, haven't you ever heard of the old Confucius saying that goes: shut the fuck up."

Ima walks up to the stage and up the steps. Eric immediately dashes over. He blocks her from getting to the podium.

"Hey, Ima."

"What?"

"I'm glad we're getting a chance to talk again. I know things were pretty heated earlier, but now that you've cooled off some, I thought I might give you a chance to reconsider."

" _Reconsider?_ **No!** "

Everybody looks at them; Eric notices.

"Shhh, shhh, shhh, no need to involve the whole town. I thought we had something special together."

"Ha! I'm breaking up with you! You're dumped!" Ima shouts.

Kyle comments, "Wow. I could have sworn it would have been one of those, 'It's you, not me' things."

"Dumped? You can't dump me. You need me!"

"The only person who needs _you_ is Willy Wonka!"

Eric hops off the stage and turns to face Ima gain, "Well, if that's how you feel…"

"It is. Anything else to say?"

Eric points at his crotch with both hands, "Touch my boner."

"Good, now that he's on our side again, he's gonna destroy you," says Stan.

Ima replies back to Eric, "I won't even dignify that micro-insult."

Stan, Kyle and Kenny all say in unison, "Ooooo…". Eric looks pissed off.

Ima holds the microphone, "Folks of South Park. It is now one minute passed midnight. I must have your answer."

Eric speaks up, "Kyle, one of your gay little speeches."

"Hugh! That is offensive and-"

"Touch my boner," Eric dismisses Ima quickly.

Kyle then speaks, "You know, Ima, part of what makes out country great is freedom of speech; more voices, not less. In other countries speech is limited and you can go to jail or even be executed for what you say, but not here. Unless you're Nakoula Basseley. Or Brandon Raub. We may not always like what each other say or even agree with each other, but at least we're not censored either by a minority or by a government; both use tyranny and promote authoritarian government, and promote more control and fear. If you don't like something, you don't have to listen to it; the answer isn't to force silence upon people by making the government more oppressive – federal, state or local. And protecting that freedom means defending everybody's right to speak, no matter what. We stand up not only for our speech, but also speech we don't like or even agree with; take our teacher Mr. Krautklinger: he's racist, anti-Semitic."

"Nein!"

"Spouts propaganda, and probably wants me dead."

"Nein – lies!"

"But I'd defend his right to say those things. Freedom of speech means all speech, not just things you wanna hear. You don't have the right to speak anywhere, but at least you have the right to speak. I think it makes our country a better place and helps us define who we are and what we believe in. And that's a pretty good thing if you ask me."

Everybody, including Eric and Krautklinger, clap their hands. Well, except Ima.

"Not if it marginalizes others, judges people and hurts them. Freedom needs legal boundaries."

"Wow. Stunning," says Stan.

"I formally demand your answer, now," Ima demands.

Jimbo yells to Ima, "We got your answer _right here!_ "

"What?"

Jimbo whips out a bag of food from underneath his hunting vest; other residents do so as well.

"Marshmallows?" Ima says, confused.

"Burn her with fire," Eric says in a low voice, barely audible.

Wendy bellows, " _ **Burn her with fire!**_ "

"Oh, shit!" Ima exclaims. She then turns to run, but finds more people behind her. She looks to each side of the platform and sees people walking up the steps.

Ned joins in, speaking with his electrolarynx, "Ummmmm, buuurn herr with fire!"

"Burn the little bitch!" Sharon shouts.

"Yeah! Umph! With fire!" Randy also shouts.

"Burn zee Reichstag!" Krautklinger shouts.

Yelling and screaming residents tumble Ima over them with their hands, like a rock star that has dived into a crowd.

"I've got a rope!" Barbrady shouts.

"You're okay with this, officer Barbrady?" Kyle asks.

"The town has spoken. Hell if I care, she cost me my second job anyway."

"Over here! The flag pole! Guys, help get some logs from in front the hardware store," Jimbo orders.

" _Aaaggghhh!_ " Ima yells.

"Here's the rope," says Barbrady.

Jimbo takes it and wraps it around Ima as she squirms against the flag pole, "A bowline knot should do it. Let's see, the rabbit comes out of the hole; around the tree, but it's perfectly okay if it comes out of the hole because don't ask, don't tell; and I think in the hole again…"

Ima yells, "Agh! You're all in violation of every code of the Bias-Free Language Guide!"

"Oh, that's right," Jimbo takes out his copy and throws it into the timber pile.

Kenny lays his copy there, too.

"Kenny!" says Kyle.

"Whut?" in a muffled voice.

Jimbo finishes tying the knot and backs off.

"There! Light 'er up!" says Jimbo.

"Wait! My sons!"

Everybody turns to see Jesus.

"Stop – this is not the way!" says Jesus.

"Oh, well … I guess…" says Jimbo.

Ima interrupts Jesus, "This is exactly what I was talking about!" Ima yells. Jesus looks at her. "The cult of dominant Christianity is ruining this country! He is a figure head of what is wrong with America! You'll never progress until you rid yourselves of him!"

Jimbo turns back to Jesus, "Are … are we still wrong, Jesus?"

"Yes, my sons, this is not the way. You got to put some pine straw on the logs to act as kindling. And make the pile closer to the pole."

" _ **Yeah!**_ " Jimbo and others yell.

Ned sues his hunting knife and a striker to create sparks that ignite the pine straw. He uses a Bias-Free Language Guide that's on fire to walk around and ignites more pine straw with it.

"Wait, this doesn't seem right," says Kyle.

"Marshmallows?" Jimbo offers Kyle a bag.

"Okay, now it does."

"Nnnooo! **AAAGGGHHHHH!** " Ima screams as she's burned alive.

"Oh, boy, I'm gonna have smores!" Butters says happily as he and Kenny hold their marshmallows to the fire with sticks.

Father Maxi starts singing, "Cumbaya, my lord…"

"Cumbayaaaaa!" everybody joins in.

"Oh, awesome – we haven't had a Cumbaya since we burned down the WalMart!" Randy says excitedly.

Everybody sings in unison the song as they sway back and forth while roasting masrshmallows.

Ima's cries suddenly stop as she is now fully engulfed in the fire.

"Well, Cartman, there went the only girl who'll probably ever like you," Stan comments to him.

"Well, she could have avoided this by simply touching my boner. There's plenty of fish in the sea anyway," Eric replies.

Ima's lower jaw bone falls into the fire, seconds later followed by the rest of her skeleton once the rope has burned away.

"You know," Randy says as he eats a marshmallow, "you'd think this would be a Godawful thing to do, but it's not that Godawful as you think. We should do this more often."

The kids join in with the adults to sing along, "Cumbaya, my lord, cumbayaaaaa! Cumbaya, my lord, cum-ba-yaaa. Cumbaya…".

And they all peacefully sing into the wee hours of the morning


End file.
